*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
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I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash