I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
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“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Do one person every day that scares you.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
watergate? u mean a dam??
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*