credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
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I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
*launders Kohls cash*
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate