Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
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waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
time machine? you mean a clock?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*