Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
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[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
All. The. Damn. Time.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.