[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used πππππ πππππ all up
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[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
this is the best day of my life
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
Itβs my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
“How’s your day going?”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Wife: Why canβt you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well arenβt you a ray of sunscreen.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Some of you wonβt be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features β:-for the notifications to go awayβ
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Donβt wear pajamas in public. You donβt know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
This is the most embarrassing thing thatβs ever happened to me. I call my cat βmy sweet boyβ and went out on my porch, saw him and said βhey there sweet boyβ unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.