Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.