[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
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Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”