Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
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doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
How software testing works
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
why isn’t thunder called soundning
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
peeping toms
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.