If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
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An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?