If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
The symmetry is uncanny.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning