*brings nachos to your exorcism*
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.