@80sjams

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

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@Jayson_Two_time

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

@DearAnyone

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

@aveuaskew

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

@saladinahmed

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

@aprilinkc

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

@ValeeGrrl

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

@junejuly12

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

@SamGrittner

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

@slimmy_shady

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.