*brings nachos to your exorcism*

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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.


A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.


People fear what they don’t understand:

4th grade math word problems


hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe


Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.


My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.


Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.


Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.


You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.