Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.