Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Good morning y’all ☀️
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i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My boss called in sick of me
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
my astrological sign is a french fry
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
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who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”