Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”
Geez. Give us a break already.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?
doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”
*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist