I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.