What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
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[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.