Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
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Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
💯😂
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
remember
only for emergencies
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
these two trucks have the same bed length
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field