I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
lumberjacks will cut a birch
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Left at a local drug store…
moms in horror movies
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out