Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
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Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!