agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Mad Max Arctic Road
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?