HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
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Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
An odd boast
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.