[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
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Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
<- sleeps well with others
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Somebody’s lying.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?