Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
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When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes