This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
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I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂