my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
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“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden: