I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
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They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Festive toon…
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.