’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
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I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!