Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
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Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
#Caturday
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.