The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
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alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.