The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw