The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
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I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Autocorrect completely socks
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
happy mother’s day❤️
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please