Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
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*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.