It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Hmm, not sure about this change
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
The USS B port