It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
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Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
LOOOOOOL
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If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?