*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I love you…
…r dog.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it