This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Put my back out twerking in the library again
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.