I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.