Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
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Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Y’all ready for this
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
i meant to share this earlier
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
technically true but not a great slogan
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.