I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
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*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
⛄️
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.