My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
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*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”