MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
You Might Also Like
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
(more comics:
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.