My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
You Might Also Like
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Only a mother’s love …
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?