I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
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2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Owl Sanctuary
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
the icebreaker
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.