It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
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spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER