@Shariv67

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

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@murrman5

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

@KalvinMacleod

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

@Jenny4ashley

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

@Kyle_Lippert

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

@Browtweaten

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

@AbrasiveGhost

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

@_davidlucas_

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

@simoncholland

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

@FrankTheDoorman

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

@Tmoney68

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.