@murrman5 Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
@Shariv67 It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
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@murrman5 
@KalvinMacleod [speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
@Jenny4ashley Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
@Kyle_Lippert [Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
@Browtweaten me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
@AbrasiveGhost GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
@_davidlucas_ Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
@simoncholland My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
@FrankTheDoorman 97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
@Tmoney68 I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.