You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
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Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I only eat vegetarians.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.