Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
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Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.