Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
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Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Not today.. 😂
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.