Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
You Might Also Like
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Cake!!
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend