Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
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My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…