I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
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the greatest twitter interaction
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
sugar glider wrangler
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”