Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Mornin
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]