Mornin
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A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Banana is the quietest snack
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
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I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
2022 be like
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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