*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
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Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.