Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
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when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Ok but actually
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends