My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
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mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I think this cat is broken
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert