me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
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Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
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Is….Is this an option?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I just tested negative for patience.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.